The Love Child of Vegas and New Orleans

Without a doubt, at almost 30, I still need my parents' help.  Counting myself as lucky, to have the parents that I do, is about all I can do.  There is no wonder why I turned out the way that I did - pretty good, if I do say so.  All of my good qualities come from them.  I feel fairly confident that Patong will be a destination spot we will miss when they come to visit…although, if you know Ed and Sandy, you know they don't stray far from a good time.  So maybe not.

My first full week - finish!  None of my kids know what the hell i'm saying when I ask them if they are done.  While we're at it, they also don't know what an eraser is (it's a rubber), they ask me to "go to toilet" and my Thai teacher requests that I close the air conditioner before I leave.  Yeah, you bet I have that thing blasting.  I also promise to close it (turn it off) when I leave.

On Wednesday one of my new first grade teacher colleagues asked me if I wanted to go out on Friday. This included meeting at a fellow teacher's house and then heading to Patong.  I love a house party and was excited, yet nervous about meeting new people and getting to know folks I work with, but going to Patong was a whole different story.  I'd heard stories about it, lady boys as far as the eye can see, indescribable sights, and things that would make even the most brazen of women blush.  Carey, of course, agreed to go with me.  We're a buy one get one deal when it comes to social engagements, which is nice.

After school, it was chill time.  Decompress, nap, shower, get sucked into a youtube vortex, stress about finances, whatever, and then about 8:30, it's time to start getting ready.  One of my favorite things about Thailand is that getting ready takes about half an hour because I never feel the need to blow dry my hair and I can literally wear whatever I want because men are only looking at Thai women.. this is even more true in Patong.  Stay with me.  We took a stroll on down to our friendly neighborhood restaurant for some pre drinking food and had fingers crossed for a ride.  I don't know how people do it here, but they've constantly got new cars.  After we finished our freshly made grilled chicken and fried rice, we hopped in a brand new pickup truck and got a lift to our house party from one of the ladies that runs the joint.

The house part of the night was just like every other house party you've been to.. the important part is that right after we arrived, a South African girl dressed as a minion came into the house and asked who all would be going to Patong.  She ordered two tuk tuks and said we had about 40 minutes before departure.  Some folks were dressed up for Halloween.  You see, in almost every other part of the world, this is not a holiday.  The thrill of dressing up is not gone.  Because people love it so much, they get very creative.  No more sexy cop, sexy firefighter, sexy nurse, or sexy podiatrist.  It was refreshing to see people using their minds instead of their tits.  No one cared that Carey and I chose not to dress up.  I embraced the fact that for the first time in my entire life I didn't feel the pressure to dress up.

So we piled about 20 people into two of these for 100 baht a piece - super cheap:

And hit the dusty, hilly trail to Patong.  It started pouring right before we left and continued until we got to the mouth of Bangla Road.  "We're running to the bar!  Follow the person in front of you!"  Boy did we.  Like a line of ants blazing a new trail across my kitchen counter, we hauled ass down a long street lined with bars and restaurants, littered with women selling flowers, men passing out flyers selling sex, and white people from every corner of the world dancing with reckless abandon in the rain.  We took a turn at a spot that I would have never found had I not been following the "lady boy pimp" from my tuk tuk.  We entered what looked like a hollowed out tin warehouse with a line of bars straight down the middle and mouths of "bars" along both sides.  We went straight to the back, to the last bar.  I felt like I was in college again.. people ordering trays of shots and bears by the fist full.  Didn't have to pay for anything.  Clutch.  Need to go to the bathroom?  Just walk into one of the bars, pass the dancing naked "women" on stage, through the creepy old men, and wait until the stripper in the stall and the Italian dude at the urinal get done peeing so you can go.  The urinal is directly across from the sink, outside of the stalls.  Awkward.  Now, I can't count the number of times i've been in American strip clubs on one hand.  I always felt a pang of sadness for those girls.  Daddy issues and drug problems hang in the air like a bad fart.  Multiply that times 1,000 and you have a Thai strip club.  These girls literally can't do anything else and make the kind of money they do.  They're more than likely sending money back to their family in some secluded mountain town with toilets that are holes in the ground.  

From there we hit another bar where a Thai music group sang popular American tunes.  They took turns sitting in the chair center stage and singing.  We left when a fight broke out.  One of the minions took an elbow to the face and started crying.  Check please.  We bobbed and weaved to what I would call a discotec.  A huge open bar up the red carpeted stairs with loud thumping music and strobe lights. I'm not much of a dancer, but Carey and I both danced our faces off and had a beer.  People talk about being in Patong bars until 5:00 or 6:00 in the morning.  My hetero life partner and I both agreed that we're too old for that kind of nonsense before we even got out of the tuk tuk.  After a rousing hour of breaking it down, we decided it was time to go.  Because we only work with the people we were out with and no one really cared whether or not we were accounted for, we got to leave without the usual requisite goodbyes and we peaced.  

We grabbed a small tuk tuk and made our way across the island to the feet of Big Buddha, with views of the love child of Vegas and New Orleans in the rearview.  We held our usual porch debrief and headed to our respective beds.  I took a minute to FaceTime Jenny and Dan.  They walked me through Binny's and we caught up, which is always a good time.  Their wedding is a week away and I wish I could be there, but i'm doing what my dad told me to do - and I always listen to my dad (right, pop?) - i'm living in the moment and focusing on the here and now.  Ed would have made a good monk.  

Going to hit a beach today, mark some more Phuket stuff off the to do list.  It's a beautiful day in Thailand.  I'll take lots of pictures.