Nothing of Importance

There is beauty in not knowing what the day will hold, though admittedly i'm terrible at it.  Thankfully, i'm recognizing progress as I have gone from regularly asking Carey "what do you want to do tomorrow" to taking pause and keeping the question to myself.  How would she know anyway?  I know asking isn't a bad thing and the part of me that needs to know rationalizes that it is responsible and natural to have a plan.  As i've mentioned before, the Thai people do not seem caught up in this way of life and everyone here seems to get by on vagueness.  As a newbie it seems expected, through nonchalance, that I get on board and ride it out.

Though nothing of importance or self discovery seemingly took place today i've already begun to notice small changes in myself.  Breakfast was a piece of delicious, fresh fruit and lunch a turkey sandwich with a handful of goldfish.  I commented just a bit ago to Carey that I drink so much water here.  I haven't had a canned coke or Diet Dr. Pepper (my favorite), since before leaving the states.  I have, however, discovered the Italian soda which here is basically soda water with some fruit flavoring in the bottom, topped with lime wedges and fresh mint.  I woke up when my body wanted me to after a long night of really weird dreams (again) and decided I should do some yoga.  So I shut off my air conditioner, that I keep at just cool enough or off during the day, and opened my back porch doors.  I contorted my body along to the booming voice of Jillian Michaels.  Not exactly a relaxing or centering experience.  Hot yoga took on a whole new meaning to me as I gazed out of the back of my apartment and sweated my ass off.

I accompanied Carey on her second interview, simply to get out of my apartment for the day.  I chickened out of trying to drive.  You'll get there, I keep telling myself.  When we returned we donned our swimsuits and headed up to the roof to read and relax by the pool.  This is how the other half lives, I thought to myself.  Then I realized, nope, this is how I live now.  Friends and family are miles and time zones away and I can't yet shake the curiosity of what i'm missing and the simple truth that I miss so many people so much - a small or hefty trade off, I haven't yet decided.

Every now and again I begin to wonder what i'll think of this when.. my desire to learn to truly live in the moment allows me to accept that i've had this thought without punishing myself and in the same beat it reminds me that there is not a when.  This is a first for me.  During high school it was when I get to college.  During the last years of college it was when I can get the hell out of here.  Once I got to Chicago it was when i'm done with graduate school.  The years following graduate school it was when I can find a job that I love and that pays well enough for me to live.  As someone who is not that old, nor that wise, I have accepted that i've lived a large part of my life, if not all of it, wondering about the next step, the next phase, the next job, the next relationship.. because none of what I was doing right then was right, good enough, made me truly happy.  The insides weren't really matching the outside.  I found small points of respite and i've always been thankful for who I am, where I came from, what I had, or have I?  I come from a great family and i've discovered the way to establish and maintain healthy friendships (finally), but maybe the problem has always been that I haven't really been able to appreciate all of that.  As someone who has never been dealt a serious blow of loss or hardship it seems almost petty and I can't shake the feeling of shame shrouding these confessions.  Admittance leads to acceptance, I believe.

So today, I woke up when my body wanted me to.  I ate simple foods.  I chose to do some yoga and ride in the car with my friend.  I laid by the pool and read a book.  I thought about friends and family who are miles and time zones away and I acknowledged that I am definitely missing things and without a doubt missing them.  And then, without even meaning to I appreciated where I was, who I am, where I come from, and what I have all at once.  And today, without even meaning to I did something of importance.  I discovered more of myself.