Beached Whale

Today a severely overweight, old Welshman, my colleague no less, asked me if any Thai people have called me fat yet.  Huh?  Is this a thing Thai people do?  This is an insult here, right?  Is THIS guy calling ME fat?  Is this a real question?  How do I answer that?  Can I say 'no' without his feelings getting hurt?  Do I even care about his feelings now?

By no stretch of my severely creative mind would I say i'm thin.  In fact, anyone that knows me at all would be able to tell you that, for the majority of my life, I have worried, battled, struggled with weight.  As a 5 foot-nothing athlete, who comes from a 'teapot' lineage (think about it), there has never been a time in my life, since I hit the age of realizing that not thin is viewed as bad, that I haven't been aware of the fact that i'm not.  Throughout my teens I felt the pressure to try to be as thin as possible.  Only my thin as possible was never synonymous to most of my gal pals', certainly not to my tall, lanky best friend from 7 to 18 years old.  Those who know me well know that i've been through a barrage of feelings regarding this very truth.  I meander between acceptance and pride in how i'm built,  and feelings of extreme dislike, frustration, fear and disappointment.

Here I am, being as positive and in the moment as I can be, some days easier than others for the last number of months, because I believe in the depths of my heart that i've made the right choice for me, and this asshole goes and says something like that.  Now, because of how I feel about this very topic, in my mind it is multiplied by a million.  I get through the rest of my conversation with him and finish out my day at school.  Unfortunately for Carey, how i'm feeling is written all over my face, and she can see it the minute I get in the car.  It might as well have been branded across my chipmunk cheeks and McGranahan double chin because she carefully asked, "Heeeeey, what's.. going... on?"  Cue the tears.  Only three; one from the left, then the right, then the left, "I've had nothing to do all day!"  She continues carefully, asking me to tell her about it - bored to tears can't be right.  I quickly, and without much of a transition i'm afraid, begin to recount the last hours i've spent listening to the most negative man in Thailand tell me about every single bad thing about living in Thailand and the Thai people, "and then he asked me if anyone has called me fat yet."  Honestly, he is the most negative man i've encountered here, I told him as much right before I asked him why he is even living here.  He shared with me that i'm not the first person who has said these things to him.  Also honestly, I pulled his words out of context.  He was in the midst of complaining and describing all the ways he believes Thai people are rude when he expressed to me that a student called him fat in the last three months when he asked me if a Thai person has called me fat.

I did the best I could in the thirty minutes that lapsed between my final minutes with him and the moment I got into the car with Carey.  However, all I could hear in my mind was FAT.  FAT.  FAT.  It was like the bass of a song you can't really make out but you can't escape the steady boom boom boom.  

In an attempt to console me, Carey asks if I want to get some cake.  Bless her heart, she is trying.  Of course I want cake, i'm fat, remember?  But I decline.  We ride in silence for a beat before she says, "I'm going to go get a massage, you want to go?"  Done.  My friends, let me tell you something.  The Thai people know how to give a massage.  Let me tell you another thing, there is NO room for modesty in this situation.  I've had massages in America, but they pale in comparison.  Lawsuits and modesty be damned.  Take your clothes off and get ready for some e-x-p-o-s-u-r-e.  So there I am, feeling like a beached whale on this table with this tiny Thai woman clinging to my whale back.  It hurts, but that's not why I begin to shed some tears.  Yeah, I did it.  I cried during a massage.  Albeit quietly and privately, my face was in a hole, but I did it.  I cried because I got slapped in the face with reality today.

I cried because i'm tired of being the little gymnast who isn't all knees and elbows.  I cried because i'm tired of not being the thin girl who can eat whatever she wants and not think twice.  I cried because i'm still bothered by what other's think, say, and do, even when I don't know what they're thinking, I can't hear what they're not saying, and I can't understand what they are or aren't doing.  I cried because there I was feeling like the fattest girl in the world (again) only this time i'm in nothing but my skivvies with  the tiniest little Thai lady kneeling on my back kneading out the knots and she could care less what I look (or feel) like.. and suddenly the tears stopped.  Partly because she told me to turn over on my back and I had no idea what was coming next and party because why the hell am I crying?

I know you can't run away from problems, feelings, what have you, but what i'd neglected to remember today is that even in one of the most beautiful, laid back places in the world, people are going to put their own shit on you.  That is reality.  And, if you share some of that same shit, it's going to hurt that much worse, regardless of where or who you are.  I can't be optimistic all the time.  I can't be laid back all the time.  And the whole being in the moment thing applies to not focusing on what's next, but also not being stuck in what has been before.  No matter how much you work on the outside or how much progress you feel like you make physically, if you're not dealing with what's on the inside, it doesn't matter.  This is not news to me, but as soon as i've forgotten that, some Negative Nel comes barreling along.  Everything happens for a reason.  Ignoring that the weight (no pun intended) of everything is ten fold because of all the changes i've made would be negligent as well.  A good friend imparted her wisdom today:

Let yourself feel it all and know that it will pass. It always does. It's just really scary coming down off the initial high. But you're being bold and living your life to the fullest, choosing to risk by doing instead of not doing. Just keep reminding yourself, "My life is not in danger - everything else is just drama." Everything you are experiencing is so normal.

Thank you, friend.

Really what I learned today is that if you're feeling fat, find a little Thai lady who speaks hardly any English and ask for a full body, one hour massage.  It felt weird and I couldn't shake the raw, exposed feeling until after she'd pulled the sheet back up over my twins; but when it was all said and done, after she had seen just about everything I was working with, I left feeling light and relaxed.  LIGHT.  Not fat.

Thank you, tiny Thai lady.  Thank you, Carey, for the massage instead of the cake.