Unemployed and Living With My Parents.

I've been home for two days.  Home.  What does that even mean anymore?

It took me a long time to accept that Chicago was my home.  I had never envisioned being there for six years.  I figured it would be two years and then on to the next phase of life.  Funny how life works.

One thing is certain, this place, in Greenville, SC where my parents raised me, never stopped being home.  So then it shouldn't be weird "moving back in," right?  Oh but it is...

There is no designated space, other than the (singular) drawer my mom cleared for me.  It was laughable when she announced it, "i've cleared this drawer for you."  I managed to keep my face blank and force out a thank you.  After all, my parents owe me nothing.  After she left my old (new again) room I looked around at all my bags and boxes and thought, "what the fuck am I going to do with all this?"  I left it until now.

So here I am with the bed made - it's not my bed.  My bed is probably in someone else's home in Chicago now, having been left out in the back alley of my apartment.  I've got a load of laundry in the dryer.  I'm literally surrounded by bags and boxes.. oh and collages from high school.  Haunting memories of a past that I can only seem to recall half of for some reason.  A reason I can guess, but can't be sure of, one that stares back at me from one frame in particular where each picture includes my face and another amongst all the rest.

When your heart breaks, it takes time to put it back together.  It took me almost four, maybe five, years in a far away land.  Far away from here.  Here, now, i'm forcing myself to be present by writing this entry instead of being sucked into the past or getting caught up in what lies ahead.  At some point i'll pick a bag and start unloading it.  When i'm done with that one, either i'll move on to the next, or i'll go downstairs and hang out with my parents, who have always given so much and have been the biggest support in the decision i've made recently.  Maybe my brother will have arrived by then - he had a late night of college football writing.  My grandma is here with my aunt too.  How awesome, how lucky I am to have such wonderful people that ground me.

Maybe i'll even be able to weasel my way into another drawer before it's all said and done.