For Good.

So, true to the way I get things done, I find myself cruising the internet in the middle of packing up my apartment.  Mindless clicking ensues and suddenly i'm watching a video from an awards show i've never heard of, crying on my futon, while simultaneously maintaining multiple conversations with Chicago friends via facebook chat and texting, cruising through an SVU marathon.  Nevermind there is a mountain of things that needs to be put into some sort of bag/box/container, I still need to take out the trash, I haven't worked out in days (weeks maybe, now?), gotta grab a shower and get ready for a farewell dinner.  My favorite Ellen line is, "Don't wait, procrastinate now."

I watch through tears as this woman (probably) lives out the dream of her life and I begin to wonder what all of these lyrics are that she and Kristin Chenoweth are singing.  I look them up.  Cue the waterworks.  This hits close to home today.

The last two days have been spent alone, packing and donating things.  It has been in these moments, driving to the Brown Elephant, sifting through notes and cards, pictures, and thinking about the last week of celebrating and saying goodbye that the finality of my decision has begun to sneak up on me.

What a life I have created for myself here in Chicago.  What an amazing town this is.  Yes, the winters suck, but everything else - the people, the summers, the amazing food, the rich (sometimes shady) history, the architecture and beauty and even the challenges the city faces - make it totally worth it.  Of course I could live here again.  But who knows?  What i'll miss most are the people who have become my friends, my family away from family.  Distance doesn't end friendships, but maintaining friendships in the face of distance is difficult.

It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime.
So let me say before we part, so much of me is made from what I learned from you.
You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart.
And now, whatever way our stories end, I know you have re-written mine by being my friend.

THANK YOU, FRIENDS.  I love you always.  I miss you already.

Dreams do come true... do yourself a favor and watch it!

(Elphaba):
I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...

(Glinda):
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda):
Because I knew you

(Both):
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both):
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda):
And because I knew you...

(Elphaba):
Because I knew you...

(Both):
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

Maybe You'll Meet...

Wait for it.

The man of your dreams.

Sigh.

Maybe I will.  Maybe I won't.  One can never know when the man of your dreams will come strolling along.  In this case, it seems that most of my gal pals are crossing their fingers for an Aussie surfer.  So in other words, one can never know when the man of your dreams will come surfing along.  My most recent conversation included a, "Well damn, have you seen some of them Aussies?"  So there i'll be in Thailand and out of no where comes a beautiful, golden, Australian god...  he'll spot me and think, "This is it.  This is the American girl all my friends have been talking about.  Finally, the woman of my dreams."

Yeah... right.  Who am I kidding?  He'll probably hear me laughing before he sees me.

For those of you who don't know me so well, know that this is not something i'll be worrying about - meeting the man of my dreams.  Frankly, being single is exactly one of the reasons I decided to make this happen now.  I'm about to embark on the greatest adventure of my life, thanks in part, to my relationship status, and this is the concern for most of my gal pals?  I know this reaction is because many of them are paired up, engaged, or married.  Those who are not, can't wait to be.  Everyone just wants me to be happy and find someone great - thank you, friends.  Surely I can be happy alone, i've made it this far.

Moving to the other side of the world is far more appealing to me than moving in with a boyfriend (for now).  Matter of fact, a colleague just told me last week she's moving in with her boyfriend of seven months.  Stop the bus, I think I feel a panic attack coming on.  You're what???  I told her that was way scarier to me than what I was going to be doing.  She laughed.  I threw up in my mouth a little bit.  My choice isn't better overall, it's just better for me.  Oh yeah, and I don't have a boyfriend.

They say that when you know, you know.  Perhaps this is true - jury is still out in my case.  Maybe I will meet the man of my dreams and i'll want to get married and settle down and start popping out kids.  That sounds doable.  Although, throwing a wedding sounds like torture.  To meet someone who loves me as much as I love them, now this is the challenge, and really all i'm looking to do.  Maybe, on the other side of the world, i'll find a like minded man who loves adventure, is full of compassion, can make me laugh louder than anyone else, that prides himself on being honest and trustworthy.  Maybe not.

Maybe he's just around the corner, down the street, under my nose.  Man of my dreams or the man who just makes sense, he'll have to wait until I get back from seeing the world before we find each other.  In the meantime, i'll be sure to keep you posted on the Aussie surfers, British blokes, and Irish studs.            

What. Am. I. Thinking?

I've lived in Chicago for the last six years.  What an adventure - landed here after completing my undergrad at the University of South Carolina.  I decided a theatre degree wasn't going to cut it, so it was on to get my master's in clinical social work.  Turns out, when you're 18 years old and you aren't really sure what you want to do with your life, you also don't know what questions to ask in order to decide what you want to do with your life.  I figured things out, some would say, and made a life for myself in this little big, magical city.  The friends i'm leaving behind are so near and dear to my heart that i've already envisioned our first reunions post travels.  I've chosen to leave at a really huge time in several people's lives - marriages and babies on the horizon - and it is difficult to know what i'm choosing to miss.

I'm almost 30 and I don't have my dream job.  More importantly, i'm almost 30 and I no longer even know what my dream job is.  How can you reach for something when you have no idea what you're reaching for?  There has been one constant in my life for the last 10 years.. this nagging sense of wanderlust that I just can't shake.  I've never left the United States, not even for a silly spring break trip to Mexico.  I own nothing outside of about $50,000 in grad school loans.  I have no male suitors.  I'm not raising any kids, nor planning to any time soon.  What am I doing with my life?

In March of 2013 I opted to take a certification course in TEFL (the second time I considered this) and decided to hit the road with a wonderful, smart, savvy woman I befriended two years ago in my neighborhood pub.  I trust her with my life.

We have chosen to move to Thailand (first) to teach English.  I have no idea where this journey will take me - hopefully around the world and back.  I hope to visit as many places as I can, meet more people than I can remember, try foods i've never heard of, and see sights that only others dream about - that i've only dreamed about...

My mind is always moving in a million directions.  I'm fairly good at lots of different things, but have never been able to really focus energies and hone skills to totally rock at one thing.  I love art and photography, though to say i'm an amateur at both is the understatement of the year.  Theatre is a past love affair that i'll never quite get over, so sitting in the audience at a show of any kind is always bittersweet, but mostly sweet.  I strive to write as well as my dad and twin brother - both professional journalists in every sense of the word.  I love people - meeting them, figuring them out, helping them, laughing with them, knowing them.. this is probably my greatest strength.  I attribute my ability to connect with others to my mom, a compassionate, strong, independent, worrier.  It's like looking in the mirror.  She has inspired me to take this step and is probably more terrified about this decision than anyone else in my life.  That is love.

When you decide to move to the other side of the world and do a complete overhaul to your professional life, the responses from others are, as to be expected, varied:

-That's so brave, I could never do that.
-That is incredible, i'm so jealous.
-I wish I could do that again.
-Are you out of your mind?  What if you get sick/lost/lonely/scared?
-How long are you going/when are you coming back/it's just for a year, right?

From what I can gather, those who have traveled, and traveled well, always know someone to email, used to be a part of something they want to share, have a recommendation of a place to stay, restaurant to eat at, activity to do.  Then there are those whose comfort zones you have assaulted with just the idea of doing this.  Nothing like telling someone you're going to travel around the world to realize they believe the world revolves around them.  The best reply goes along the line of "do it, that's awesome, now is the time, i'm so excited for you, I can't wait to hear about it, you better blog, i'm going to miss you like crazy."  

I wonder if at times, people forget that to choose to do this doesn't come easily and the reality is, i'll see the world, but I won't see my friends or my family.  Some people can do both, I have to pick.  Close friendships will last regardless of distance.  I learned this when I moved to Chicago.  My family will always be my family.  I've got the best one in the world, even if my brother doesn't understand this need of mine to the point that he can only shrug his shoulders and shake his head in disapproval (translation: fear).  I told someone once, a friend I haven't yet met but acquired once I told my best friend what I was doing, that my brother isn't as adventurous as I am and that he would come to visit me just because that's the kind of brother he is.   My quasi friend's response was, "maybe he won't want to leave once he sees what it's all about."  Maybe... but unlikely.  He loves South Carolina and it wasn't long ago that he notified me with such confident certainty that he would never be leaving the south to live anywhere else.  Not all twins are alike.  I know my future if I want to be near my family, so i'm focusing on the here and now, and going ahead with scratching this traveling itch.

Right now, the here and now is preparing for a move to Thailand.  Embracing all of my decisions (good and bad) that have led to this point.  Appreciating the relationships that have developed and remembering those that have faded.  Getting a taste of the foods I enjoy and won't be able to find often soon enough.  Focusing my energies on all that lies ahead and trying to utilize the building anticipation effectively.